That Which Had Made Me Whole
Although this week is the start of our final exams in my first year in med school, I couldn’t resist the urge to write. It has been a while since I’ve posted anything new. Many things have happened in this totally awesome year. Many friendships made, challenges undertaken, dreams slowly being fulfilled… in this time of year, lent, I am reminded of how God has been here all along. Through all my sorrows and pains, within this fiery and harsh world, amidst selfishness, injustice and unbearable wilderness, God has paved a way for me to grow.
At the start of the year, I was hesitant. Although I knew that I really wanted to be here in Ateneo, I simply didn’t know what will happen. I had to relearn the basics to put it bluntly. I had to learn how to make friends, how to study again, how to enjoy very long lectures, how to make good use of time… just how to be myself again. I had forgotten how I enjoyed joining in organizations, doing things for others, sharing the laughter, talking to people, changing lives perhaps in some way… and it really gives me much joy to be here. Just to be a part of this school and I’m really glad that I have found a home. This is not to say that I didn’t enjoy my college life. I did. I loved it there in La Salle and I really miss those days when my blockmates and I were just enjoying life - going to Zen to watch thriller movies, eating at Raps and wasting our time away in the library, in the Malate office or in LaPiS. But life goes on and here I am, trying desperately to pass medical school with the little that I know about life.
Oh my year was marvelous! It was action packed. It was drama. It was everything to me.
Last year, I was trying to find meaning, to make sense of my life. I was working then. I enjoyed my company but there was something missing. I wasn’t quite as happy as I am now. Even if I had the money to spend then, even if I could go anywhere I wanted to then, life was still somehow lacking. Now, I have less time to go to malls, less money to splurge, yet I am quite content and very pleased, somehow at peace. I guess I just appreciate life more now than I did before. I used to want to have many many friends, go to many different places, meet a lot of people and learn many many things. I still want that. But now, I have a better perspective. Life has taught me that I can’t have too much of everything… that my goals have to be focused, that all of us have our own lives to live, that I am not the center of the world and everyone around me revolves in their own orbits. Each of us interacting, meeting then separating, just like the stars… that each and every one of us shines in our own way, doing our own dances, radiating or quietly resting. Everyone has a role to play just like in theater. One has to be the geek, one has to be the hero, one has to be a little weak and then realize that he must grow. Everyone participates whether they realize it or not, and in this we find balance. We find a theme, we share the story and we watch ourselves unfold.
Here in this world, we often find ourselves miserable. We always want to dwell on our miseries. We drown ourselves in our pride. We watch ourselves get wasted with alcohol. We want to think of things over and over again, but we fail to realize that it is madness what we do. Doing nothing solves nothing. And this makes us sink, fall in our own self-pitying attitudes and waste precious time which could have helped us move on and recover. I am no different. I too am stubborn and idle my thoughts on grief. But times change, and we realize that we can do this no longer. We can no longer sustain this endless sight of loneliness. We have to change, and we have to look for it in the company of friends, of people who care about us and of God. And when we realize that everything around us is still in place, that we have been dwelling underneath our own tree all along crying ourselves out, God taps us on our shoulder and says, “Hey (insert your name here), look up.”
Many times you will feel that there is no one beside you. Many days, you think that you can go on no longer. Many reasons you say to yourself prove that you can’t handle it anymore. But child, have you ever wondered why you are still here? Why you can still manage to smile? Why you can still open your hearts to people around you even when you’re in pain? Because I, my child, am here to heal. I am here. I will always be here. You just have to open your eyes and stop crying. You see, how can you stand up and walk around my beautiful forest if you’re too busy sitting under your tree? How can you appreciate all the beautiful things I have created before you if you do not recognize things beyond yourself? Do you not see the rainbow above you? Or smell the fragrant flowers I have planted before you? Or hear the merry voices of birds chirping above your head?
This past month, I have learned a lot of things. I have seen a lot of things because I chose to open my eyes and open my heart to the world around me. All these experiences have been most fulfilling yet. I was happy to find myself again after our recollection in San Jose seminary. There I learned that God has been and will always be here with me when he said,
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving kindness.
Though she may forget, I will not forget you.”
And this made me feel less alone. And God has been, and will always be that which had made me whole.
